The Best I Can
by UchiHime
Summary: My name is Harry Potter and I am dying. Answer me this one question: I'm doing the best I can, is it enough?


UchiSays: This is the most randomly weird story I have ever written. It's strange, _really_ strange. But I enjoyed writing it so please read and review.

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**The Best I Can**

"_I've done the best I can, I just wish my best was good enough."_

My name is Harry Potter and I am dying.

Even as I sit here writing this, I can feel my life slipping away.

I'm writing this to set straight all of you who thought I was Great.

You all thought you knew me, but you didn't. From the very beginning you thought you had me all figured out. I'm sorry to disappoint, but I no longer wish to live this farce of a life.

Want to hear a story? Where shall I start?

Let's start at the beginning...

Shall we start with the day that I died?

All I remember of that day is green lights and my mother's screams, so maybe that's not the best place to start... but then again that was the day this farce began; it was the day I died along with my father, my mother, and the man you all fear to call Voldemort. I suppose I was too young to perfectly recall the event, but I know more than the rest of you do. For one you all thought Voldemort died that day, even before I knew who he was I knew he still lived. And for two I know for a fact _I_ died that day and yet you all call me "The-Boy-Who-Lived".

I'm more like "The-Boy-Who-Never-Was".

Never was alive after that night. Never was brave. Never was strong. Never was Great. Never was loved. Never was anything you thought I was. But I did the best I can.

I tried...but not enough.

I fought... but not enough.

I sacrificed... but not enough.

I begged... but not enough.

I cried... but not enough.

I died... but not enough.

I lied... you called my bluff.

I never was good enough. I never was smart enough. I never was scared enough. I never was honest enough. I tried to please, but you always called me on my bluff.

And now I'm dying, again.

Do you all think I'm crazy yet?

There is one thing I did right. I loved.

Come find me.

I swimming among the captured stars.

I'm tangled in spun strings of silver.

I'm warmed by the snow.

I'm held by the porcelain doll.

I loved more than I should.

There's a poem by a Muggle Poet Delmira Augustini

_In my dreams of love, I am a serpent!_

_gliding and undulating like a current,_

_my eyes, two pills of sleeplessness_

_and hypnosis; the tip of a spell_

_my tongue... I draw you like a wail!_

_I am a capsule abyss._

I like to think I loved enough. I pray I was loved in return.

Do you all think I'm crazy yet?

There's a poem by a Muggle Poet Delmira Augustini

_In my dreams of hatred, I am a serpent!_

_My tongue, a venomous vent;_

_my head lit by a diabolic crown,_

_the visage of death-- fatal fade-away_

_through pupils; and my body, in gems drowned,_

_the sheath a flashing ray!_

How could a love like the one I had have originated from such a pure hatred?

I never could do anything right.

I laugh at all you who thought I was Great.

And still I tried so hard so please. Bent over backwards for people who didn't even know me. Robbed Peter to pay Paul and all that rot.

Do you all think I'm crazy yet?

I never did understand why so much was expected of me.

Let's move on to the next part of the story...

Shall we start with the day I was reborn?

Interesting day that was. Ten years after I died I was offered a new chance at life. I was literally stepping into a new world. And there is where you all come in. You fools who thought that _I _was Great. Who is the bigger loon: you or the man you wanted a child to kill? Could I not have a chance to live my new life without the misinterpreted deeds of my past life guiding the world's view of me? Could I not be normal? Could I do anything right?

I lived... but not enough.

I willed... but not enough.

I spoke... but not enough.

I prayed... but not enough.

I bowed... but not enough.

I led... but not enough.

I sighed... but not enough.

I lied... you called my bluff.

Rule number one of hero worship: be prepared for disappointment when you learn your hero is not perfect.

I started the race with the rest of them. But I ran a different track. My path became an obstacle course, and every time I overcame a hurdle, another was put in my way. Can you really blame me for burning out? If I had kept going I would have crashed into the next brick wall.

Are you making sense of this?

Do you all think I'm crazy yet?

_I_ realized I was crazy a long time ago. Long story really. Hello, my name is Harry Potter and I invented complicated.

I'm The-Boy-Who-Never-Was.

Never was quite sane. Never was all there. Never was playing with a full deck. Never was enough for you all.

I _was_ enough for one person. You know who you are. You who held me captive in a world of Mercury, silver, and stars. White gold. Hoary. Ice cold. Love. We played our games and only to you was I good enough.

Rule number two of hero worship: your hero is not infallible.

How do you save a world that doesn't even trust you? More important: why would you want to?

Humans. Such fickle beings. Love me. Hate me. Trust me. Fear me. In the end you all try to use me.

Why should I be a martyr for a world that wouldn't even protect me?

Should I die for a cause I don't believe in?

Are you surprised I don't believe in the cause?

Maybe I would have if I'd been given a choice.

But choices isn't something awarded to heroes.

No we do what we are told because it is expected of us to do so.

I live to please.

Do you think I'm crazy yet?

You may think you have it all figured out, but you don't know everyone's story.

Did you know I was the unwanted child? Did you know I was hated? Did you know I am no hero? Did you know I am only human? Do you know the definition of the term "obsequious"? Do you know that's what I am? Did you know the only reason I ever did anything was in order to make you all like me? Did you know I never feared the dark because it was the only constant in my life? Did you know I never wanted this blasted scar? Did you know I would trade anything to be someone else? Did you know I spent years crying myself to sleep? Did you know I hate being lonely? Did you know my only fear is not fear itself, but something as simple as silence? Did you know I needed pain to know I was alive? Did you know I needed looks of pity, scorn, or hostility just to know I wasn't invisible? Did you know I want to die.

You may think you had me all figured out, but you don't know half of my story.

I never was who you thought.

Despite of everything, I still have a race to finish. No matter how much I yearn to stop I must keep going. _Carpe Diem!_ Seize the day, and all that rot.

My name is Harry Potter and I am dying.

Even as I sit here writing this I know that I cannot allow myself to die yet.

Too many people rely on me.

Just answer me this question: I'm doing the best I can, will it ever be enough?

I never was Great.

_~The-Boy-Who-Never-Was_


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